Day 88: "So What Have You Read Lately?"

Once upon a time, I fell hard for a married man. I’m not proud of this fact, but it’s been a while since I got back to the true spirit of my blog and divulged one of my secrets, so tonight you get my moral decay. I never expected to be one of those women, in fact, up until the very moment I met him I was hyper aware of keeping my distance from anyone who even smelled vaguely of another woman’s perfume. Before “Married Guy,” I refused to even flirt with a guy who kind of had a girl he was sort of seeing. I was strict and held tight to my ethics.

Down the morally bankrupt road I tumbled and how did it happen? Well, pretty easily actually. He asked me a question and it was the best, most refreshing opening line I’ve ever heard. I imagine you’re wondering what he said, aren’t you? But I’m not going to tell you, not yet, because that’s not the point. The point, is that all of us at one time or another, can find ourselves walking a road we never expected to be on – let alone pursuing. I think for a while I justified my foray into the off limits dating pool because I knew I was never truly in danger of “Married Guy” leaving his wife for me. I was just a distraction for him, his marital problems began long before me and I always knew I wasn’t even second choice, but far below that.

Does this make it right? Hell no, I’m aware I was a dirtbag. To atone for my jerkiness, I did my best to push him away. I told him he was a deadbeat, encouraged him to go to marital counseling, lectured him at every turn and I did all of this because I knew I was falling in love and was simultaneously terrified that he’d realize it too. Bad enough to be a home-wrecker, but there was no way I was going to bleed all over this unavailable guy and let him know how truly vulnerable I was. So in true Ame fashion, I acted out in all my self-destructiveness and alienated him. I still don’t believe he’d have ever really loved me or wanted to be with me, but I never gave him the chance and worse, I didn’t give myself the chance.

It took years to learn to give myself the chance to be loved and now that I have a great guy of my own, I am starting to wonder if there aren’t some women out there who are willing to compromise their ethics for my husband. He’s a fairly nice piece of manliness. He’s brilliant, attractive, sexy, successful, considerate . . . damn, sounds pretty good, I can’t believe I finally made a smart decision in my life. So this begs the question, that if I am smart enough to realize how great he is, other women surely are as well. Hmm . . . “Married Guy” had that soulful, emotionally wounded, I know I’m going to hell so let’s have a good time vibe about him and he was also incredibly smart, but he wasn’t the best looking guy I’d ever dated, so seriously, what was it?

Can a one liner or a particular mood or look really be enough to connect two people to the point that you forget your ethical path and sacrifice it for an emotional need? Maybe not individually, but when all those things meet it is the culmination of an emotionally needy hurricane and I got wrapped up in its sheer force. This is not to say that should some other doe eyed young thing look upon my own married guy and think perhaps his wife isn’t doing enough to keep him happy, that I won’t unleash the fury of all those unrequited loves of my youth on her ethically challenged tight ass. Every now and again, however, you meet someone in the typical place and they turn to you in the typical boy-girl way, and they say the least typical and most unexpected thing. In that moment you are swept off your feet and you leave your morals on the ground.

I’m all grown up now and married and my ethics are . . . well, they’re a work in progress, but the only “Married Guy” in my life is the one who’s name is beside mine on that Nevada marriage license. Follies of our youth do not always mean we cannot recover and find our true road. And let this be a warning, the husband may be the most moral person I know, but I don’t trust anyone else, so hands off be-yatches, that married guy is mine.