I’m starting to forget things. The last two days I almost forgot to write this blog. Some days I forget mid-shower if I’m already washed my hair, so then I wash it again just in case. There are mornings when I forget my Mother is dead despite it being nine years and nine days since she passed and others I forget what it was ever like to have a Mother. Once in a while I forget something as mundane, but habitual as to wear a bra or underwear, and now and again I’m able to forget myself entirely and believe an alternate reality my subconscious creates.
Often, because of my issues with insomnia, I will not be able to distinguish what was dream and what is reality. Did I really get up and feed the cat already? Have I had that discussion with the husband? Could I possibly have said that out loud to her? This leads me to approach life and certain situations with some trepidation. Given my natural inclination to not commit things to memory, complicating it with seemingly real dreams that take place in a semi-lucid sleep state can really mix things up.
I often know when I am dreaming, though this is not to say that I have actual lucid dreams. I am not so much able to control what happens in my dreams, but instead, I have what I refer to as waking dreams. These take place not in deep REM sleep, but on the surface of sleep when my insomnia, fighting to keep me awake loses a battle with exhaustion and I am able to enter a light, dozing sleep. This types of dreams are not the wildly extravagant dreams we all have rife with symbolism and colorful characters. Instead, these are very lifelike and extremely possible scenarios in which I often delay full consciousness in order to see where they lead.
The problem, is that they are so real and almost ordinary that they cause me to confuse dream with reality. That coupled with my oft inability to reach deep sleep means that I have trouble fully resting my mind and committing actual facts of my life to memory, whereas my waking dreams often take their place and become my reality. I’ve had arguments with friends, discussions with the husband, ordeals with my cat, excursions to the gym, and just about any other ordinary task you can think of while in this semi-lucid sleep state. It can be interesting, but quite often it is frustrating because I do not know what telephone calls I’ve made, or what bills I actually paid.
I forget things I should know and know things that never happened. It’s almost as if someone else is writing the story of my life and haphazardly erasing some details and adding others that never came to pass. It’s a bit surreal, but also entertaining at times. My issues with sleeping interfere with my memory so that I do not remember things that are expected to be unforgettable. My wedding anniversary, my own age, where I put that $400 in cash I took out of the bank . . . the information comes and goes, but in its place I have stories unfolding almost on a nightly basis that I am able to follow along fairly well because I’m not quite asleep.
I guess I do not mind forgetting some things as long as my brain replaces the facts with something interesting, though I’d prefer for it not to mess with things like my undergarments or remembering to use deodorant. The hours I toss and turn, sleep eluding me until total exhaustion seeps in are sometimes worth it, because in those couple of hours that I finally am able to doze off I sometimes learn about myself. I get to see me living my life in a different way than it’s actually unfolding at times, and it’s pretty cool except that I think those semi-conscious dreams are taking up the space where my actual memories are supposed to be stored. So what if I don’t remember to stop at all the red lights, I can tell you word for word about the fight I had with my friend that didn’t actually happen. Who’s to say memory is objective anyway? Maybe all memories are mostly fiction.
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