Day 106: Biker Babe or Army Wife, I'm Still Walking the Line

I cannot stop watching Sons of Anarchy on FX. More worrisome than an addiction to a TV show is the strong desire to be a character within that show. Like my favorite author, Ernest Hemingway, SoA embodies qualities I personally disagree with and even despise. Racism, sexism, guns, drugs, excessive drinking, violence – these are not ways I live my life and yet there is clearly something within me that craves the darker side of humanity. Even my most recent Facebook quiz confirmed that I love the rebel.

However true this is, and knowing myself rather well I’d say it’s pretty spot on, the reality is that I choose to spend my time with those that are less rebel and more Justice League. I try to make the smart choices because I know my tendency leans to self-destructive. Do I want to be in a motorcycle club? Hell yes, I want the leather vest, the chaps, the tats, the loose morals, the drinking, the questionable hygiene – except when it comes to my teeth – I am fascinated with that life. Trouble is, we only get the one life and should I make those choices, when will I find time to debate politics at a mixer at the embassy or volunteer at a friend’s nonprofit? Does SoA mix with martinis? I’m thinking not, so it’s probably good that I chose the path I did.

My husband does not have my dark side and yet in his job he has been forced to do darker things than I will ever experience or likely witness. The fantasy is often better than the reality, a truth we often discover in life. Do I want life on the open road with raw sex and the tinge of violence lurking both in the speed of the bike and the roughness of the lifestyle? Yes, but so do I want the cocktail party, political rally, writing seminar, and wine tasting. I guess I do want it all and I believe in many ways I have that, or at least the potential for that.

My struggle now is to bridge that gap between our civilized life and my dark side. There exists also the question of how to provoke that darkness in another without losing them to it. It is a dangerous and possibly imprudent desire, but if every instinct in you tells you it’s what you need and what you want, how do you turn away and still feel fulfilled? And more to the point, if Facebook is telling me it’s so then it must be true.