Day 97: Talking to the Girl in the Mirror

While I believe that true self-esteem and security are qualities that a person carries with them at all times, there is also the type of self-esteem that comes and goes. I have the latter. While I have come a long way towards being more confident in myself and my appearance, like most women I still have ugly days. I think what is so damaging to most women in this situation is that we’re not even aware of how damaging our own thought process is to our self-esteem.

I had a very meta moment of self-realization yesterday that drove home the point that even at 36 I am still not comfortable with my looks and that I am way too concerned about them. This happy moment came after a day at home just hanging out. Just before I headed out to the grocery, I took off my glasses to clean them and when I looked up into the mirror at my slightly blurry reflection I said to myself, “Hmm, I’m not too bad looking when I can’t see clearly.” If I hadn’t said it out loud, I probably never would have caught it. How can a woman think this way about herself and what’s more, most women I know think this way. I know I’m not hideous, but I do not see my attributes, I see my flaws.

I have written about self-esteem in the past, but my point this time, is how subversive our own negativity can be. A hundred times a day we think damaging thoughts about our weight, our hair, our poor diet or workout routine, our career, our mothering skills, our time commitment to friendships, our relationships, our nails, our skin, the list goes on and on. The worst part of it is, we think these things so routinely and automatically that we often are unaware we’re doing it. So when you get to the point that you are actually telling yourself negative things that are masquerading as a compliment and you do it out loud, it’s probably a safe bet that you need to take a step back and get a grip.

Most of us aren’t going to win any beauty contests, but then again why are we so obsessed with beauty anyway. Do guys look in the mirror and wonder if they are good looking or as handsome as their friends? I bet even if they have, they don’t do it often and they probably don’t do it out loud. We’re all going to have negative thoughts about ourselves now and again but at some point you need to shut your inner voice up and tell it that it’s stupid. I still love my hair, I’m learning to like my boobs despite the fact that they won’t stop growing, now I just need to work on everything else. But I guess if I can’t learn to love myself, I can at the very least adopt my Mother’s favorite motto: if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. So just shut the hell up, Ame, shut the hell up.