Day 295: The "A-Ha" Moment and Where to go From There

A few nights ago the husband and I got really, really drunk. This is not altogether unheard of, it’s just that it does not happen often. Usually one of us stays sober or both of us just get mildly happy. Rarely do we find ourselves fall down drunk at the same time, and as we age, it rarely happens alone either. So on this particular night we did what we always do when we’re both extremely inebriated . . . we had a serious discussion. I have no clue what it is about the combination of the two of us and large quantities of alcohol that inevitably lead us to in-depth discussion, but that tends to be the end result.

This particular night we discussed . . . well, I have no idea really what we discussed since we were both hammered and don’t remember a lot of what was said. The one thing we both recall is a moment when he sat straight up in some sort of Oprah-esque “a-ha” moment. It took us a few days to clear away some of the memory fuzz, but when we did we hit upon the cause of this epiphany: I don’t need a hero or a man to save me.

Doesn’t sound like much of a revelation. After all, I’m a 37-year-old woman who has been taking care of myself for a long time, but since I’ve been with Jeff I’ve let some of the hardness go and come to depend on him in a way that was foreign to me in the past. Jeff has seen and heard me at my worst and no one is more aware than him that I’ve been unemployed for two years and totally reliant on his ability to bring home the bacon. Sometimes, I’m not even capable of frying it up in a pan, so I can see where he might have gotten the impression that I need someone to save me.

The pressure this must put on a person is unimaginable to me and it never occurred to me that the husband would not see that my inner strength is always enough to get me through. Like most of us, my life has not been an easy one, but I’ve gotten through pretty much on my own. So I didn’t see it. Six years into the relationship and I didn’t see it until we were both too drunk to stand. This wonderful man who loves me more than his sanity (clearly) has been trying to be my hero and make it all better for me. This is just a part of who he is as a man and I’m sure he’s done it in all his relationships, but I don’t need it or want it, and I told him so.

This is what made him sit up in a moment of clarity and what has had me searching for my own clarity ever since. For the last six years, my husband has been looking for ways not just to make me happy, but to solve my issues formed long before he and I even met. What worries me most is that now that he has accepted the fact that his role in my life is not what he imagined it to be, how will he redefine himself in the relationship? What if he needs to save me? What if that feeling of being the savior is what makes him feel valued? Along those same lines, what if all of us struggle in relationships because we’ve never quite gotten to the heart of what our partner needs or who they think we are?

I know who I am and I guess it never crossed my mind that the husband might be a bit unclear. He does take amazing care of me, as I try to do for him, and all nurturing couples do, but he’s been trying so hard to give me something I don’t want that I wonder what he will fill that place in himself up with now. Perhaps we’re all better off not knowing certain things. Was it so bad for him to think I needed saving? Maybe not, we could all use a little more love and nurturing, but think of the energy he’ll save now. I’m a wreck, I know that, now that he knows it’s not his responsibility to fix the crazy he might have the time and drive to cure cancer, create world peace, or even resolve the healthcare debate. Then again, he should probably just get a second job, cause this self-sufficient girl would really like a few more pairs of shoes.