I think I’m having a breakdown of some sort. It’s not a nervous breakdown exactly and it’s not happening all at once. I just feel myself . . . slipping a bit. I’m not as energetic as I used to be, my motivation to get certain things done is waning, my emotional fortitude is a little mushy and things just keep going wrong. Have you had those days? You know the ones where the every day antics of your children get you so worked up you realize you are now the “screaming Mom”? Well that’s me, only sub cats for brats and the same story applies.
Nothing that substantial has occurred all at once to send me spiraling out of control, but lots of little things not going my way have started to mount into what feels like an overwhelming barricade. It’s one step forward, two steps back and to be honest, my legs are getting real tired. I know, I’m a negative Nancy – blow me. My life could be better, sure, but I also know that it could be a whole lot worse. Even so, I feel a sort of tiredness that seeps down to my bones and just sort of makes me want to throw in the towel on some things.
I cannot, for instance, spend one more afternoon lugging in bags and boxes and jugs and anything else awkward and heavy that one might bring home from a day of running errands. I am tired of carrying all this stuff by myself up a couple of flights of stairs and juggling it while I try to open the door before it all falls. I don’t want to have to manage a household by myself. I’m tired of being solely responsible for cleaning out the cat boxes. I am tired physically and emotionally from all the bad breaks and I think that next thing that breaks might be me.
It seems like the only luck I have is bad luck and all the bad breaks are starting to effect my self-esteem along with my bank account, attitude and ability to abstain from punching irritating people in the head. I know I am not the only one to go through this, just as I know I’ll get past it, but I am just so tired of the struggle. Just once I’d like to be the one with a break or easy win. I’m not asking to win the lottery, I just want the garbage bag not to leak on my feet on the way to the dumpster, or someone to carry the heavy stuff. I want normal without having to actually be normal, because that would likely kill me. So where is this “easy street” and why does it seem like everyone else has it programmed into their GPS, while I can’t even get out of the parking lot? I just need one thing to go right before all my crazy comes out at once and starts to do some real and lasting damage to what’s left of my life.
Sister, you are describing my life for the last several years. The only thing that has changed is me snapping out of, realizing where and why I was not happy, and doing something about it, making changes.
ReplyDeleteLife's to f cking short, and we're too cute.
HUG
I'll bet this is one step back to your two steps forward. You've made so many positive changes. If give yourself lots of credit for being a fuck up, so at least be fair towards all the efforts and stides you've made lately. Just know this frustration you feel is universal.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm down, everything makes me mad. I look at my kitchen. I HAVE TO CLEAN UP AGAIN??? What a bunch of assholes I live with. How dare they eat at regular intervals! I get sick of the rug next to the stool ALWAYS smelling like pee, no matter how often I wash it. The laundry is NEVER done. My husband isn't coming home AGAIN and I have to play bitch, maid and chauffeur to four thankless, clueless people. I want to scream at the dog hair billowing through the house I just had cleaned for $120. There is a stack of papers on my bar that only goes away when I hide them under the laundry in the dining room. Any door you open on my suburb-bulance has trash, shoes, cloths and food falling out and papers flying away.
On these days, I see it all, I feel it all, and I hate it all.
But this last year, I've learned something about myself. All the yoga in the world doesn't change my inner state, but that state is temporary. So while I can't change it, I'm learning to breath through all that fear and frustration. I've stopped the drama queen response that demands IMMEDIATE CHANGE and MORE EFFORT from everyone around me. I try to keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence so that I don't infect others with my negativity. This last year, I've learned that if I give it a few days, and a few glasses of wine, maybe some extra exercise and some retail therapy, I will feel better soon.
So consider that a day of unhappiness requires no call to action or other horrendous conclusion about the state of your life...it's just the flip side of a peaceful happy day of contentment. These states coexist in all of us.
Life is just a roller coaster- We can enjoy the thrills or scream for our lives. I do a little of both. Crazy as it seems but you are normal!!! We usually don't post all the crap in our lives. If I did you'd be reading for days! LOL
ReplyDeleteNo matter where we are in life- there is always someone better off than us and someone worse off than us. Just remember each day is a new one!
H-o-r-m-o-n-e-s. That's been my major malfunction. When does hubby retire? :) It's spring...and you have a topless car!
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