Alright, so I write one damn blog about feeling like my life is falling apart and now I’ve got friends coming out of the woodwork trying to “fix” it. I know I’m no stranger to unhappiness, negativity or complaining, but give a woman a break! I do recognize that life holds many positive and beautiful things and that my life is full of things for which to be grateful. Even so, please do not feel that you need to tell me of my many blessings. I’d rather you simply shake your head in scorn and talk about me behind my back.
Don’t presume to tell me that I should be happy or feel blessed. I see the good, I’m not that selfish or ungrateful, but I also realize that there are people in the world (many of whom I know) who have had ridiculous good luck and fortunate turns of event. Some people are just luckier than others and some people are not as introspective or analytical. Maybe I just analyze the details more, maybe I worry more, maybe I’m just fucking exhausted at worrying and working and never getting ahead. I am not one of the masses who is content to get married young, have children, work my ass off and die with nothing to show for it but a pedestrian life.
I hate the ordinary. Which is not to say that plenty of you with what can be considered typical lives are not extraordinary. I have family members who work, marry, breed, have picket fences, etc., but who have also overcome extraordinary circumstances or raised children who turn out to be remarkable people. I realize that from what appears to be “normal” can come the amazing. I also know that I don’t want to be in a position to be the exception or mired in the middle. I have always longed for something different, so when I complain about the path I am on, it’s not because my life is so bad, it’s that my life is so normal.
We all need different things to thrive. For some, it’s the sweet smile of their child, the loving embrace of their partner, or flourishing flowers in their garden, but for me it is and always has been something outside of the ordinary. That is not to say that one is better than the other, but our needs are different and what I need is not happening for me, hence the feeling that life is getting away from me.
So please do not feel the need to tell me it will get better or to count my blessings. I get that and understand the good, I just want more and quite frankly, so should you. Why is “more” considered too much? Just because I am not satisfied with my life does not mean there is something wrong with me, maybe there is something wrong with those of you who are content. Life is not something to be endured or survived, we should be perpetually striving for more because comfortableness leads to complacency.
Yes, life has its ups and downs and I have plenty of wonderful people and things in my life, those are not things I want to change so I don’t feel the need to dwell on them. No, I obsess, point out and lament those aspects of my life that I am unhappy with, because for me that is how I will know what to change and overcome. I have weak moments like everyone, I just make mine public, because that is how I dispel the negative energy. Think of me as a sort of catch and release emotional vessel who picks up negative energy along the way and instead of internalizing it, I let it out. I know I’ll be fine and my road may never be the fortunate path, but it’s mine and I’m navigating the best I can.
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