As I was making my bed up for the first night in the new place I started thinking about the fact that I do not prefer a particular side. I haven’t done a scientific poll or anything, but I am under the impression that most people definitely keep to one side of the bed. I actually prefer the middle, but have found that to be problematic for whoever is lucky enough to be in bed with me (read: the husband). I am able to choose one side consistently, but as soon as we move I frequently switch my preference. So tonight I am wondering why this is when others seem to be a firm lefty or righty sleeper. The answer I’m coming back with, is not a surprise, except in the fact that it never occurred to me before. I like to sleep close to the door because I hate feeling trapped.
I’m not claustrophobic, though I confess to not loving tight spaces when surrounded by others. My issue is really more about feeling compelled to always have an exit close at hand. In restaurants, I like to sit with my back to the wall so I can see the doors. On planes, I pay attention to where the exits are and I count the rows in front of and in back of me to the nearest exists. In conversations, I tend to take the lead lest I get stuck in a discussion that either makes me uncomfortable or that I know nothing about. And when it comes to sleeping, I choose whichever side is closest to the door.
I don’t know when this fear of losing control started, I certainly do not recall worrying about such things as a child or teen, but as an adult it is a constant part of my thought process. I hate to rely on others to drive and so I always offer to do this task, including with the husband. When we travel to cities not equipped with adequate public transportation I insist on renting a car. I prefer hotels to staying in people’s homes and I hate rooms in the middle of a long hallway.
My fear of living in the middle states or cities without decent airports, public transportation or along the coast gnaws away at me and plays into my ability to be happy in a particular place. I need exits because I am a runner and there is a comfort in knowing that I am never trapped. New York was perfect for me in this way. Trains and cabs run 24 hours a day, there are three major airports nearby and it is surrounded by water. I felt free in NY and for a while I slept wherever I landed (in more ways than one), but I slept well many nights and I was happy.
Maybe I’ll never get over this need to keep my back to the wall and my exits in front of me, but then we all do what we need to, don’t we? I think there’s been some growth. I got married (which does still terrify me at times), I allow the husband’s job to dictate where we will live . . . mostly, and the last couple of times we’ve stayed with his family without a rental I have only mildly freaked out. Maybe I will never win against this need of mine or then again, maybe winning is acknowledging and giving yourself what you need to be happy. If all it takes for me, is a door, then I’d say I’m not doing too badly.
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