On Thursday of this week I am moving to a new place. The move itself, as anyone could guess, is a hassle. Boxes, packing, cleaning, unpacking, disposing of boxes, cleaning and sheer exhaustion will be my world for the next week. What I find to be rewarding about moving, is the opportunity to reexamine one’s life.
We move fairly frequently, so there are never any big surprises, but with each move I begin to sort through and to dispose of items that are no longer critical to my lifestyle. It is actually quite amazing to discover how much we do not need, but that we keep anyway. As a life-long packrat this might be more of a problem for me, but there is a sense of emotional security as well and this experience is teaching me that it is not only things that feed my need for consumption, but places and particular connections to items.
My current apartment is symbolic of a transitional point in my life. I moved to Charlotte, without really knowing anyone and the husband was in Iraq, so it was very much just about me. I found this place, I planned my move, I did the work to make it happen and I lived here alone for a year. Sitting on my balcony, looking out over the road below, I would sip wine and let the feeling of disconnectedness wash over me. This place both found and isolated me for a time and it’s a little sad now to say goodbye. It does feel a bit like a security blanket to me. It is my place, a geographic reclaiming of my independent self.
Moving to our new apartment I am very much aware that it is once again about a shared life. This will be OUR Charlotte apartment and even though Jeff will live in Ft. Bragg during the week, it is just as much his place. We found it together, planned the move together and will make it a home together. I would be lying if I said that there is a part of me that lingering in the sense of independence this current space represents. Not that I do not miss him when he’s not here, but it was interesting to have the time and quite literally, the space, to rediscover myself.
This blog was born here as was my current view of self. I think I found myself here and while life remains a struggle in the ways that we all clamber about, looking for happiness and health, I do feel very positive about what is to come. Oddly enough, nothing is physically going to change except for our address, but there is a sense for both the husband and I, that while this place is mine, the new place is ours. So I am saying to goodbye to my sanctuary, a place that both saved and damned me from time to time. I feel a new pressure to be somehow cured once we moved. It is time to divert my pursuits from the obsessive journey of self-discovery and rededicate to being a part of a team. I am excited for what is to come, but I’ll also cherish that time that I had to find myself all over again.
Moving--- OH what fun--LOL--12 yrs ago we moved to PA. One week later, I had Chase. He was 5 wks early. It may have had a little to do with my moving the tv the night before but either way... Sean traveled back then and was away because, ironically, he was trying to get all the traveling done so he could be home close to the due date. Doesn't always matter how much planning we do.
ReplyDeleteSean had lived there for a month before I moved out. I was teaching back then and had to finish the year. I literally arrived on Sunday. Sean left on Monday and I went into labor on Tuesday out in the hills of PA. We had one neighbor and I went over and her husvband answered the door with me introducing myself " Hi I'm Shauna, Sean's wife, nice to meet you I think I'm in labor" HAHA- funny now- he ran and got his wife and she took me to the hospital which was 30 minutes away. I hadn't even been to the dr's yet to meet her and I never got to do those lamase classes. How would I do it?!?!? Sean hopped on a plane and did make it before I had Chase and the neighbor was the best thing that ever happened to me back then. She was sooo sweet and I even learned how to make a killer apple pie from her.
I tell this story because your blog reminded me of the isolation I felt ther in PA for that year. Sure, I had some people I met through Sean's work and the neighbors but besides that it was me and Chase. Sean was gone every other week. I actually liked it that way sometimes. It was great bonding time for us. I had no real obligations outside of being a mom. I could nap in the afternoon with Chase and not feel guilty. Even went over to the neighbors for a glass of homemade wine and back for a nap. LOL.
I couldn't live isolated like that longterm but for the year i was there it was just fine.