It’s confession time. I am a well traveled, educated, and fairly cultured woman who lived in New York City for seven years. The city is famous for things such as hot dogs, New Year’s Eve, Times Square, Little Italy, but the one thing that seems to hold almost universal appeal for men and women is the one thing I hate: the theater. Trust me, I know what you’re thinking, who doesn’t love the experience of going to see a play or musical on Broadway? Well, I can assure you that the answer is me.
Don’t think I haven’t tried. I have been to Broadway shows, off-Broadway shows, off-off-Broadway shows and pretty much just a random group of bad actors gathered in an alley, I hated them all. Part of my problem with the beloved theater experience might have to do with the fact that for almost $100 I get the privilege of sitting somewhere between 800 rows away and Brooklyn. The stage is tiny, it’s dark, I’m straining to see and then it happens, they sing a ballad and I am out like a light. I can’t even sleep in a bed, but if you plop me down in a upper level seat at Chicago, Cabaret, Phantom of the Opera or any of those stupid Disney ass-fests, I become a narcoleptic.
I cannot tell you the number of people who have told me over the years how lucky I was to get to go see a show anytime I wanted. Luckier still in my mind, is that I never wanted. What is this fascination we have with paying $100 to watch people sing and dance? Hell, I can watch a movie for $9.50, download my favorite songs for 99 cents, or read a book for free. Maybe I am too much a child of pop culture and the 80’s and 90’s, but I love movies. The theater maybe real and raw in a way a movie never can be, but you also have much better seats and the scenery isn’t made of plywood.
I’m not a big fan of plays, but I will definitely take them over musicals. Don’t get me wrong, I like musicals as long as they are the movie version. Chorus Line with Michael Douglas is one of my favorites, Grease is pure perfection, and I absolutely cannot get enough of the Hollywood production movies of the 40’s and 50’s. I watch all kinds of movie musicals. In fact, just tonight I caught “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I know the dancing numbers are gay (and I do not use that phrase lightly). The Sharks and the Jets, The T-Birds, any guys high-stepping in tights and no shirts (I mean, come on), these are a bit over the top and honestly in real life no straight girl would waste her time, no matter how hot they look without their shirts. Musicals operate on their own set of rules for what’s cool and masculine and I can buy it, as long as it’s on a movie screen. In person, it’s just somebody prancing around while I squint from the nosebleeds wondering why anyone thought it was normal to put that much makeup on a guy.
I support your right to spend a car payment to see a guy run around stage with an ornate and gaudy fake lion’s head acting out what was a cartoon movie initially. I don’t know, The Lion King just seems like one of those movies that should have stayed a movie, the premise is kind of thin for a Broadway production, but hey, I bet it’s great on ice. We all have things we like and dislike, but I’ve learned that Broadway is something that almost everyone else loves and it’s mind-numbingly boring to me. Mama Mia, for instance? Jesus, they sang everything. I’m surprised there wasn’t a song dedicated to their morning toilet ritual, and I’m referring to the movie version. The live musical would likely have induced a coma or possibly a homicidal rampage on my part.
The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas might have begun as a stage production, but it wasn’t until Dolly Parton got her hands on the lead role in the movie version that a little song called “I Will Always Love You” made its first movie debut. Theater actors may have more solid acting chops, but Broadway would never have given us Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, and their duet of Parton’s other song for the movie, “Sneakin’ Around” made that one totally worth it for me. You don’t have to be serious and artsy to love movies, you just need a ten-spot and a couple of hours.
Well done. The plays I've seen in Chicago and elsewhere do absolutely nothing for me with the exception of one scene of one play - Mis Saigon...they landed a freakin helicopter on the stage. STOMP in Chicago was a very cool expereience, but I'll take a movie in my living room anyday. I am a movie nut and am often chastised by my book-loving wife for not being able to turn off even the worst movies. Your blog has been great, keep it going!
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