Day 51: Karma Has a New Bitch and it's Me

Karma finally decided that today was the day she was going to come back around and kick my ass. It should have been a good day. Due to a generous friend, I had use of a condo in Florida for a few days and was looking forward to driving down early in the morning for a few days of trouble free self-reflection, blogging, and resume retooling. It sounded like a can’t go wrong plan, but if you know me you know I’m wrong a lot.

The plan was to leave Tuesday morning. At 2am I was finishing Monday’s blog and decided that leaving early probably was not going to happen. I had no schedule to keep, no one to watch the clock and tell me I’m late (not mentioning any names, Jeff), and no reason to get there early rather than later. I figured I’d get six hours of sleep and still leave at a decent time. At 4am I was still wide awake. At 5am I was getting a bit of a headache. Sometime between 5 and 5:15am I dozed off. At 7am I was awake once again but this time with a full-fledged headache and decided sleep was not in the cards.

It took three hours to get my act together and when I finally hit the road I got on the highway and immediately went the wrong way. Magellan I’m not, so even with Google directions and a navigation system I can manage to get lost, which I seem to prove nearly every time I get in my car. Anyway, so I once I turned myself about I was on the road approximately three and a half minutes when I called pulled over by a cop in a Ford Fusion. So many things wrong with this. One, I haven’t gotten a ticket in over ten years, two I was following the minivan in front of me who set the pace, and three IT WAS A FORD FUSION! It is insulting to get pulled over by a crappy little car I could easily outrun.

I was so annoyed by the beginning of this day that when the nice officer approached and told me that he clocked me going 17 over the limit, all I said was, “I was following the minivan you clearly didn’t see.” Normally, I work with the situation and I have gotten out of a few tickets this way, but today I just wasn’t in the mood to play nicely. I did try to work in the husband being deployed bit and after waiting for seemed like three or four crop seasons, my flat-topped cop reappeared to tell me he wrote my ticket for only nine over so as to keep me taking too much of a hit on the insurance. This was very nice of him, but come on, I’m a cute girl with boobs in a convertible who’s husband is in the Army. You can’t take pity on me? Dirtbag.

Okay, so doughnut patrol over with I head out, at a slightly reduced pace. It sucked getting caught so early because this meant for the next six hours I couldn’t afford to really speed in case I got caught again. Balls! Anyway, so there I am driving along, top down trying to enjoy my day when the drowsiness hits. I spent the next six hours dozing off at the wheel and at 80mph, that’s somewhat ill-advised. Three Diet Cokes and two Red Bulls later I hit a pouring rainstorm that seemingly came out of nowhere drenching me and my collection of luggage in the back seat. Which brings me to my second run-in with the fuzz. I quickly slammed on the brakes and jerked the car over two lanes, coming to a stop on the shoulder where I quickly began to put up my top. Before I could finish there was another officer at my side asking why I was stopped and not so politely advising me that getting rained on was not a suitable reason for lurching across traffic and coming to a sudden halt. The only solace I took in this lecture was that I kept asking him questions, ensuring that he got as rained on as possible. No ticket for “raising the roof,” but just a stern talking to later I was on the road once again.

The trip continued in this manner with one ridiculous speed bump after another until I got just outside of Jacksonville. It was then that I got trapped behind two Florida plated vehicles that were clearly in some sort of lame-off to see who could drive slower. Only in Florida will you find motorists that make Ohio drivers appear reckless. Finally, after what seemed like two or three years going slightly below the speed limit and flashing my brights at both cars as I alternated lanes to try to edge around one of them, I was able to pass. As is my nature, I both floored it and looked over with an expression of scorn and mocking only to see three hairy asses looking back at me. Nope, this is not a euphemism. I was mooned by an SUV full of redneck college kids.

So . . . Florida. Interesting place thus far. Tomorrow I will try to find the beach and hope that none of the locals talk to me. I’m not sure I have the right temperament to socialize with other people. Also, by avoiding interaction I’m hoping to avoid any behavior that might karmically put me in jeopardy of a similar ride home. I certainly cannot afford another ticket financially and mentally I think I’m a little too scarred to suffer any more road battles for a while. I suppose I should be grateful for arriving safely and without accident, but really, that’s just not my style.