Epiphany. The sudden realization or understanding of a situation in your life. We have hundreds of little epiphanies throughout the course of our life. The boy that’s been picking on you in third grade actually has a crush. The cheerleader that you always told yourself you dislike and think is frivolous is a girl you envy and admire. That work proposal you just can’t quite get nailed down, is suddenly perfect after you try a new angle. These happen so often we rarely recognize them as epiphanies, but when we experience the type of revelation or insight that truly has the potential to change our lives, we take notice.
Recently, I have been living under a cloud of anger which has filtered all my other experiences and emotions in a very jaded way. Don’t misunderstand, I am the first to admit that I am an arrogant and self-righteous bitch. I can absolutely decide that I am walking the righteous path, ignoring countless signs telling me that in actuality, I am wrong, wrong, wrong. Denial and selfishness can lead us to believe even the most heinous actions to be valuable and valid exercises. Because I do not believe in regrets, I try instead to accept accountability for my actions, even the mistakes and chalk it up to a learning experience. If you are able to rationalize your bad decisions, however, sometimes you can outsmart yourself and ignore that you’ve truly made a mistake in the first place.
In my efforts to understand and accept a path I took that hurt someone close to me, I somehow felt it appropriate to do an even worse thing in the name of gaining a sense of comprehension. Two wrongs may not make a right, but in my mind they might at least help me understand the initial bad decsion-making in the first place. Given that this is what I like to refer to as “Ame logic” I know that others are not going to agree with me. This never bothered me in the past, but maybe that’s because I needed to have the epiphany to truly realize that I am a dirtbag.
It’s true. I did a bad thing, followed it up with a worse thing, lied about both and then got pissed when I got called on it. How dare you question me! My mistakes are mine and not about anyone else. Now that I have a little distance and clarity and yes, a fricking epiphany, I see what a self-delusional and convenient, outlook that is. Oh rationalization, how I love and use thee. The most amazing thing about Ame logic, is that I utilize it to absolve my own sins, but still clearly see and judge others for theirs. Now that is a nifty little trick.
I guess in many ways that isn’t all that unusual. We all judge others to a certain extent and ignore some of our own problems or bad choices, but I think perhaps, I have taken it to a new level. It’s more of an art form really. So I am working through my dirtbag epiphany and I gotta tell ya, I’m not liking how I come out in this particular situation. It turns out, judging from the facts and course of events, I’m kind of a bitch and a selfish one at that. Not that I don’t still see the mistakes of others or injurious behavior toward me, but now that I see my own fault, it’s a little harder to cling to that as an excuse.
My other favorite, is the “hey, you knew who I was when you befriended/dated/married me so don’t act shocked now." This is a defense I have used many, many times to excuse all sorts of bad behavior on my part. Yes, I have a big mouth, get drunk, and say horrific things while behaving belligerently, but you knew that about me in the beginning, deal with it! This was always a much easier stance to take than to actually change myself. Why change, this is me, love me or hate me, not my problem! Lovely aren't I? Imagine being married to me? What a treat my attitude must be for him!
Luckily, I have taken a few days for self-reflection, hence the epiphany. I'm not convinced I'm an altogether horrible person, but I've definitely had my moments. Life is complicated I guess and I'm a nut-job, so there was bound to be a few questionable calls. The goal now, is to embrace the realization and make a few positive changes. Then again, I'm lazy, a procrastinator, and a dirtbag so there is always a chance I'll just say the hell with it. There will always be another epiphany after all.
Judgement is a single edged sword. Stop judging and start loving yourself. Relax, and don't mistake your personality for your soul. You are a beautiful person, and all defense mechanisms are in place b/c they served a purpose. Maturity comes from not living a better, more self-rigteous exisitence, as that only turns your judgement outward. We are all dirtbags, we are all damaged in some way, and we are all God's creation. --in Her own image, and all that. God's been around for a long time, so her socal skills are probably more refined. I look to Her when I'm unhappy with the way a behavior is no-longer working for me--when change is called for. But laughter is the best healer, and self-awareness, foregiveness and intention attached to inner strength is the key to change. Recreate yourself everyday. If you don't like what you see, and you get another change tomorrow, try again. If not, well, take stock in what went well and give yourself credit for a life well LIVED. Live without fear until you live no more. Then we can sit on the other side and either screw with the electrical appliances of people we love, or we can go to the great sauna and spa for the all-encompasing love and healing available to each and everyone of us.
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