There comes a time in every adults life when we must own up to our shortcomings. For me, today was that day. Very few people know what I am about to reveal, but I believe that through the truth I will become a stronger and better person. I also believe that when you are forced to reveal your deep dark secret to a seven-year old, said child should refrain from mocking laughter. I trust all of you to not follow in the obviously poorly parented child’s footsteps and react in a more mature fashion. Okay, so here goes . . . I am 36 and I can’t swim.
It’s not like I sink to the bottom when I am in the water or that I am afraid to go into a pool, lake or ocean. Well, actually, lakes kind of gross me out because they very often have stuff floating in them and fish want to eat my toes or boats spill fuel, so okay, let’s scratch the lake thing. Anyway, I love pools and the ocean, I just spend my time kind of bobbing around, rather than actually swimming. There are definitely moments of fear. When Jeff and I went to Delaware with some friends and encounter extremely rough waves that were knocking people over then dragging them across the sand from the undertoe, I took my beatings and kept going out for more. In fact, that was the weekend I really fell in love with Jeff. He stayed with me and didn’t let me drown, even when I was sure that I was going to a few times.
Today I went into the ocean by myself and was hit with waves no where near a high or rough as they were that day in Delaware, but I was very cautious and nervous about going out much past my waist as the waves were strong enough to cause me to lose my footing. Without Jeff there, I didn’t trust my own water skills. Pools are okay, I can float enough generally and do a few mock swim strokes while kicking my feet as if they are on fire. This method is usually successful in propelling me about the pool, but I do make sure I am never in too deep of water or in it for very long. I recognize my limitations and usually that is enough.
This afternoon I decided to take a dip in the pool after a few hours at the ocean. I was hot, sweaty, and salty from the ocean and thought it would be a good way to rinse off and cool down without an actual shower (because those are so taxing). Anyway, I am minding my own business, paddling around the shallow end when the above mentioned child enters the pool. His Mother is talking on her cell phone and seemingly oblivious to the presence of this boy since she popped him out a few years ago. The kid and I began talking, you know the drill, I asked his age, what grade he was going into, does he like school, the normal “I don’t have kids and have no idea how to deal with you” conversation.
Caymen, best name ever by the way, had brought some toys into the water with him. They weren’t the floaty kind, which is why when he suddenly through across the pool, it quickly sank. I assumed my cleverly named friend intended to play a game of dive for treasure with himself. Wrong. This mocking little bastard wanted to play with me and it was assumed that my part of the game would involve me swimming into the deep end, then diving down to retrieve his stupid toy. When I told him I didn’t want to, employing all the normal girl excuses, he had an answer to everything.
I said, I didn’t want to get my hair wet, to which my lothario responded, “it doesn’t really look that good.” I told him I just ate and couldn’t really swim and didn’t his mother ever teach him about cramping after you eat, to which he laughed and said I was stupid. In a bout of desperation I told him that he should wait and look at like a science experiment and see if it was still there later and if any kind of pool algae started to grow on it. At this, he simply stared at me blankly with a half open mouth. Finally, I knew it was time for the truth. “Listen, little man, I’m sorry but I can’t really swim and I don’t like going underwater much and I can’t open my eyes in the water anyway, so I’ll never find it. Let’s just get the pool cleaning thing and try to scoop it out.”
I knew that by comparison to other adults, my stock would fall a bit with this revelation, but I have to say I was not prepared for his actual reaction. Caymen, who if his name weren’t so cool I would refer to as little fuckhead, looked at me for a second with something similar to pity in his eyes. Then, still grasping his other toy, he began to pound the water with his hands and laugh hysterically in this super fake, theatrical laugh. So not only did he not sympathize or try to be the least bit understanding, he adopted a forced laugh with the sole purpose of humiliating me.
For my part, I believe I handled the situation as appropriately as possible. I turned around and splashed him violently as I paddled away to the ladder so I could climb out.
Hilarious! You handled yourself very well!
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