It has been four days since my cat died. I am not barricading myself in the house or bursting into tears at the mention of his name, but neither has it gotten any easier. When we lose someone close to us, be it a person or a pet, people are fond of saying it will get better, it will get easier in time. Well, I’ve lost a few people close to me and I can assure you that it never gets easier. The passage of time simply means that the events surrounding the passing are more distant and therefore not as fresh to the mind, but time does not erase pain. Once felt, can deep emotions ever be forgotten or do we just lose sight of them a bit?
I don’t miss Jeremy any less today than yesterday and I know I never will, but time and life will distract me and I wait for that. All of us get so caught up in our daily lives that it is easy to lose sight of emotional baggage. We bury ourselves in work or social obligations as a way of hiding from the truth. Sometimes it works, we are able to outsmart ourselves and keep the self-reflection at bay until later when the wounds are not as fresh. We let ourselves laugh and then feel suddenly guilty for laughing when we should be grieving the loss of a parent, a friend, a child. Life does not wait and so we keep going and find late at night, when the distractions are gone, that we still carry that hollow place within us.
I know he was just a cat, but he and I went back 15 years and five cities together. He was the first pet I ever got for just me rather than a family pet and I talked to him every day like he could understand. Losing my cat, brought back memories of the pain of losing my mother and I realized once again that even after nine years, her death is just as raw in my heart as that first night. I may be able to go about my days without the paralyzing grief that loss can evoke, but once I tap back into those memories, the pain is just as strong and real as it ever was.
I used to marvel at how people assumed that after two or three or six months I would be over the death of my Mother. It does seem like a rational period of time to grieve and move forward, but the passage of time belies the fact that heartache and emotions in general do not have an expiration date. Never will there be a day that I think about Mom and do not also feel sad. Even the best and happiest memories bleed into sorrow and loss. The key, is to not let yourself focus on the loss part, because that is when the pain once again becomes fresh and you feel it all over and relive every moment.
A couple of years after my Mom died a friend’s Father passed away. I remember telling her that he would never get easier, that the pain itself would never lessen, but that her ability to get through a day without thinking about it would increase and that is where she would find momentary peace. I will never not miss my Mother or my cat. I loved them and counted on their presence in my life, those feelings do not just go away. What will happen, though in the case of Jeremy, is that I will forget more and more about our daily interactions and think of him only in terms of bigger memories. Pictures, trips to the vet, finding his favorite toy, these things will bring him back to my heart and mind and once that happens the pain will be just as fresh if I let myself dwell on it.
I think of my Mom often and never once am I able to do so without at least one tear, but if I let myself think on it too deeply that one tear becomes a torrent of sorrow and longing. Pain, like love, happiness, and friendship never dies, but it does lie in wait for us. Patiently sitting while we distract ourselves until that one moment when all that we have lost comes back to the forefront of our minds and we are weighted down with the grief of love lost and possibilities shattered.
Jeremy was just a cat, but he was my companion. The memories are no longer good or bad, they are simply reminders of something that I no longer have. Those feelings of immediate loss will fade and I look forward to that, but I also know that it will only take a moment to recall what he meant to me for those feelings to flood back over me. Loss is never easy, we just learn how to adjust to the absence. I am not comparing the depth of my love for my Mom to that of my cat, but I think loss operates the same way, no matter who you lose. Love is love and loss is painful, no matter the reason you feel it.
No comments:
Post a Comment