If all is fair in love and war, then what about break-ups? Is it okay to play dirty or should there be a code that we follow to keep us from intensifying the hurt we inflict on one another? To some, it seems that a break-up should be more like the flash and awe of a war tactic. You hit them hard and fast and then back out quick before the other side has time to figure out what happened. Then again, if you loved one another at one time shouldn’t respect and amicability reign supreme? Is a break-up a battle or an agreement and who gets to set the rules?
I recently heard about a friend’s divorce which took one of the spouse’s by complete surprise. Here’s the basic scenario: Spouse A is out of town staying in the couple’s vacation home with a friend. When Spouse A calls Spouse B and asks “Whatcha doing?” Spouse B replies, “Packing.” What do you mean packing?” “Well, I’m packing my things, because I’m filing for divorce. You should just stay there and we can work out the details long distance.” Spouse A of course hops the first flight home to discover a half empty house and no spouse.
There is also no explanation, no casting of blame, no arguments, no anything to hint at what caused this sudden break-up. Of course, any rational person realizes that it is not as sudden as it might seem. Spouse B clearly spent time planning and making decisions, it’s just that none of this was conveyed to Spouse A until the deed was done – or in this case, in the process of being done. This type of break-up is especially shocking to me in that it is even more selfish than a simple affair, argument, abuse situation. In fact, in some ways this is similar to having a family member go missing. There is no explanation, no trail of evidence, no negotiations, someone simply vanishes and it is the not knowing that is the killer.
I think every break-up, outside of those precipitated by physical abuse, deserves a discussion or at the very least an argument complete with the throwing of breakables against a wall. Who are these people that get so tangled up in their own emotional distress that they think it is somehow acceptable to run away from their life, like a thief robbing your house while you are away and leaving no trace, only what’s missing.
So why is it that when we fall in love it is all about sharing, respect, and communication and then when we break-up we suddenly decide that it’s alright to behave like an unethical psychopath? Can we really hate someone we once loved so vehemently as to take their dog along with most of the furniture? If we have vows that we follow when getting into a marriage, why not have vows regulating how we get out? I’m not talking about the divorce settlement, I mean more a code of behavior that makes it wrong to simply abandon your spouse and then to have the nerve and killer instinct to refuse to explain why you left in the first place. Shouldn’t that be your right? The right to know what you did to provoke such a selfish plot or even an amicable, “Hey this isn’t working out.” I think an explanation is due, but maybe I’m just not as cutthroat as Spouse B.
I have experienced a few break-ups in my life and not all of them were my idea, but I will say that all of them ended fairly well. I have been able to maintain communication with almost all of them and I hold a healthy respect for anyone that ever tolerated me on an extended basis. I did once break into an old flames house and rearrange all of his furniture and hide a few things, but I didn’t take anything out of the house and he really was an jackass anyway. I guess in the end, you cannot regulate human behavior, no prenuptial agreement or divorce settlement can force you to behave respectfully when exiting a relationship. Although, I tend to like the showdowns of life and have never backed away from a potential confrontation. Think of all the zingers my sarcasm could generate and the tears my propensity for the dramatic could influence. It’s like a scene in a great movie . . . I can even hear the music I’d use in the background. Spouse B really blew the big moment. What a waste.
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