A funny thing happened on my way to my brother’s house in Fort Wayne, IN. I went to church. For most, this might not be that unusual of an event, but for me, a long time agnostic, recent atheist, church is not a part of my weekly, yearly or even a ten-year routine. The last time I went to church was at my Mother’s funeral and that day I did not exactly go voluntarily. Religion and church just aren’t for me, but after visiting my Mother’s gravesite I passed the church and as it was ten minutes until Saturday night mass I just found myself turning in. I did not go there to criticize or poke fun, but a few things did cause me to hide a smile and a few others caused me something close to disgust. So let’s break it down.
First on my list of “no they din-it” is the obsession with eating flesh and drinking blood. I get that it’s a metaphor, I get that it dates back to a perceived miracle, I get that this is your belief and I’m cool with that, but can we tone down the cannibalistic overtones just a bit? Every reading, every song, and that day’s sermon was about feasting on the body of Christ. Could we at least use language a little more ambiguous than, “this is my body, take it and eat of it” or “taste and see the goodness of God”? Um, gross. I went into mass hungry and left nauseous. Is there no one else out there that thinks maybe this part of the religious legend might be a little . . . well, nasty?
Another thing that turned me off was two separate references to “the Jews” that painted them as ignorant. I should point out that neither reference was strictly directed at the biblical Jews, it is modern day people of the Jewish faith that were maligned both times. How can we preach kindness and do unto others when we only mean the “others” that accept our faith. You are Christian, I am not, and I don’t see a problem with that. Religious beliefs are a deeply personal set of beliefs and while I may debate it with you, I will never criticize you for them. So for a religious leader to openly disparage the beliefs of another is appalling to me.
I don’t mean to dwell on this, but just to point out the obvious, one hour-long stint in a Catholic church and an atheist is now offended on behalf of a religious group. That seems kind of weird, right? Then again, I didn’t bite into the flesh of another or drink his blood, so maybe I’m not fully getting the experience. I think maybe religions just don’t have enough of a sense of humor about themselves. I realize it is a deeply serious topic to many, but at the same time, are we to believe that humor cannot exist within the church, or that a man who walked the earth as a mortal managed to live almost three decades without ever cracking a smile or making a joke? Forgive me for being sacrilegious, but this Jesus guy sounds kind of like a drag.
My other favorite moment came during the en masse recitation of the “Our Father.” Admittedly, I am a Trekkie and the Borg scare the hell out of me (which is funny, since I’m pretty sure I’m destined for hell if God does exist), but I honestly was not thinking Star Trek when I entered the church. Anyway, so they are all saying the prayer at the same time and it suddenly dawned on me that it sounded exactly like the Borg collective. So I started thinking about that analogy and realized it actually does kind of make sense. Here were a large group of people, all buying into the exact same belief, and in many cases, following the leadership unquestioningly (notice I toned it down by not saying mindlessly following). This little Borgism freaked me the hell out and I was sort of desperately looking toward the exit and calculating the resulting disturbance if I suddenly made a run for it when I was stopped dead by the next event.
The priest began the communion rite and I don’t know if he lost his place, as he was very young and might still be reading the speech, but he suddenly began speaking in a sort of robotic staccato. This would be okay, odd but okay, if it weren’t for the fact that this happened exactly at the moment when he said, “take this and Eat . . .Of . . . It.” It was the slowest, most exaggeratingly correct pronunciation of the words you can imagine. So odd did it sound that I found myself looking around questioningly hoping to see passive acceptance on the frequent prayers’ faces, but instead found many of them also looking about with quizzical expressions. It was at this point that the hysterical laughter took over. I tried to stifle it, but I am only so strong and when he did the same thing on the drink my blood part I gave up any hope of containment. Luckily, just at my breaking point, the choir broke into song, the organ howled and no one could hear me. Some might have witness my contorted facial expressions, but I’m assuming they interpreted it as impassioned crying, rather than gleeful laughter.
Suffice it to say, church is not for me. I just don’t get it and long before atheism came my way, I still hated church and all forms of organized religion. I did used to like the songs back when I dreamed of being a singer and thought making the “pitch list” at school was akin to chartreuse glory. Man, did I love to belt out the hymnals back in the day, but back then I don’t recall ever joyfully singing about eating someone’s flesh. The only thing I plan to taste and see in the near future is a cocktail and a pizza, cannibalism – even in the name of the Lord – is just not my thing.
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