Day 267: Memories of Me Seem So Much Better Than the Actual Me

My memory is often faulty, though I don’t like to admit it. I have a great long-term memory from childhood or teenage years, but it can be a little shady after that. I am in the process of applying for grad school and the one thing I felt certain of, was my undergrad performance. True, I took several classes I didn’t need just because they were interesting and that sometimes led to less than an A, but I remember being brilliant and sadly, my transcript says otherwise. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I suppose that is the culprit here, but it’s more than that. I know I’m smart, I know I could have gotten straight A’s, had I not been working two or three jobs the entire time I was in school. This sudden revelation that I was not the student I believed myself to be is jolting. So when reality doesn’t live up to memory who does mean we are?

The way we think of ourselves goes a long way toward how we interact in society. There are days when I could not feel uglier and it shows in the way I carry myself. Likewise, when I think I look good, I feel good and it is noticeable to those around me. So if we’re living under the impression that we liked school and were even good at school only to find out we were just kind of average in all subjects that weren’t favorites does that mean we’re not smart?

Now that I’m facing an even more uphill battle to get into grad school I’m wondering what grades tell us anyway. I still do not doubt my own intelligence. I’d say I’m lazy and easily preoccupied with life more so than stupid, but then again it’s pretty dumb to not do well in college, especially when you’re paying for it yourself. It makes me wonder how much of what I think I remember is real or just the coloring of first-hand experience. Memories are subjective, which means that so much of how we live subsequent moments in our life is based on what may be faulty information. So I wasn’t the brain academically that I believed myself to be, but that doesn’t mean I’m not smart, it just means the person I am today is has to be based on real experiences and not false memories. Unfortunately, I am a lot cooler in my memories.