It is said that dreams are our way of working things out in our unconscious mind. I believe this and often find that whatever has been especially worrying me will someone be spotlighted in my dreams. Sometimes I am surprised by the direction that takes my nocturnal mind, as dreams stretch the boundaries of the plausible. Even so, I’m willing to buy almost any elaborate stage show my mind puts on without question. When I do start to worry and wonder, however, is when I dream something troubling that I did not know was even on my mind. Things I thought I’d already worked out in my conscious mind are apparently still starring in their own dream tributes and it makes me wonder why I wasn’t thinking about it more.
Clearly, if I’m dreaming about it I’m thinking about it, right? Well yes and no. As any insomniac like me can tell you, the brain races without end. When you think you’re focused in on one thought pattern, the sudden mental appearance of a seemingly random topic alerts us that maybe only our consciousness is zeroed in on one thing, and the rest of mind is busy sifting through and examing any number of mental conflicts. So maybe you are thinking, “Mmm, pizza,” but it’s a sure bet that you are also thinking “I probably shouldn’t have bought those shoes . . . tomorrow I really need to clean the bedroom . . . did I remember to flush the toilet” or some similar stream of consciousness barrage.
So that brings us back to dreams and the fact that they can sometimes bring up emotional landmines you thought you’d disposed of. Ask me how I feel about my Mother’s untimely death and I will tell you that it is hard every single day, but that I do not focus on the loss anymore and prefer to remember the laughter and love. Flash forward to my dreams and out of nowhere I dream an old favorite from the first year after she passed: She’s alive, but somehow being torn apart from me, usually physically as we get separated or one of us is forced to go on a dangerous journey. I wake from these dreams sobbing and while the sense of sadness and loss is not new or a surprise the mere fact that after ten years I’m still having that dream is.
I am left to wonder what it all means. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything other than that the constant barrage of emotions and experiences we are under from birth to death are cycling and recycling through our unconscious mind. Then again, maybe it means that I’m still obsessing over something I thought I moved beyond. Could it be that the only reason we ever “move on” is because the unconscious helps us out by taking on the burden of those negative or troubling thoughts/feelings and works on them for us? It’s like our own personal therapist helping us to be okay with life, only it’s off the clock. Whatever it is, while it does occasionally blindside me, it also serves as a reminder that nothing is ever truly gone forever and that I, much like life itself, am a work in progress.
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