Day 319: I'm Talking About the Junk, Divorce is Imminent

I need to include a disclaimer here stating that this is in no way reflective of the husband aside from the fact that we had a funny conversation about this topic, he’s got a good one and he’ll likely kill me before I have the chance to write Day 319. Cheers.

Men are touchy. They have fragile little egos and they are especially sensitive about any comments regarding the manly business. It’s an odd thing to me, because when you normally talk about self-esteem issues regarding the body, you think of a woman. It’s no secret that we are all obsessed with our own body image, but guys are supposed to be cool about that. If it’s any indication, the fact that guys with absolutely no chance still repeatedly hit on women way out of their league pretty much proves their lack of accurate self-image and boundless confidence. Guys will criticize a woman’s weight despite their own huge gut. For some reason, we’ve become inured to this scenario and accept it as just par for the course. Men do have that one area of sensitivity however and I have learned it’s a biggie . . . well for some it’s bigger than others.

Ask any girl and she will tell you that the flaccid penis is kind of cute. It’s soft, pliable and somehow shrinks down to an amazingly smaller pocket pet. Mention the words cute, soft or small to a guy in reference to the junk and all hell breaks loose. Here’s why I think this happens, men are sensitive in general about the size of the goods (which serves them right since we’re sensitive about the size of our everything) when it’s erect and they don’t realize that all guys have excessive shrinkage when not at attention. In my 22 years of experience I’ve seen a wide variety of packages and while the differences vary greatly the moment before, the moment after produces remarkably similar results. That shit shrinks like it’s trying to get away from something.

You’d think men would realize this given that they shower together more frequently in locker rooms and use urinals right beside one another (a concept that still weirds me out), but they genuinely seem to think guys are the same size all the time. Any shrinkage at all they take as a dent to their manhood and I find it routinely comical to talk lovingly of the cute, soft little guy to see how fast I can anger the husband. He should know he’s packing the goods, right? I mean, women all know what size breasts, waists, hips and even shoes are desirable according to societal standards, do men really not know what is above average or even normal for the only thing they have to keep track of?

It is my opinion that when you only have one appendage to obsess over size-wise you should at least educate yourself on what the preferred sizes are and you fall. If your Mr. Happy is above average and your past girlfriends or wife tell you that on multiple occasions at some point you should believe it’s true, especially when you’ve been together for a while, because after those first couple of years, our desire to stroke your ego diminishes greatly, pretty much like the size of your Waldo after climax. Deal with it. That shit is soft and cute and stretchy and if you’re going to expect me to spend tons of quality time with it, then I’m going to get to know it in both states. And if the size matters all that much to you, then I suggest you stroke your own “ego” more and watch it grow.