I have written before about my conflicting feelings over having children. It’s also no secret that the husband is likely sterile, according to two different physicians. (A gift from the Army’s Airborne program.) Liking kids is not the problem, wanting to devote time and money away from our own lives is the stumbling block. So we’re pretty resolute in not wanting kids, especially given the fact that we’d likely have to adopt or jump through some pretty daunting hoops to get knocked up. Still, in contemplating whether or not to go off the pill, I had a mini meltdown.
I have been on some form of birth control with the exception of a handful of months here or there since I was 15. (Don’t judge me, I was ahead of my time.) This last month, however, I have been sans birth control because at the time I was due to refill and start, I was suffering a two-day hangover (my drunken, stripper filled night with the husband and our friend Mark) from a particularly wild night out and missed my window for starting that month’s pills. Super responsible I realize, but whatever, I’m 37, I deserve some wild nights.
This morning I mentioned to the husband that maybe I do not need to go back on it since he’s probably shooting blanks and I’m at an age that does not offer the freshest of eggs. It seems a pretty safe bet that we will not face an unexpected pregnancy without contraception. The decision was made that I might as well skip the pill and its excess of hormones, especially now that I’m trying to be healthy and more natural in my approach to life. Decision made, I jumped into the shower and immediately flashed forward to what might happen.
I could not help but think about the ramifications of a pregnancy at this point. We live three hours apart, paying rent on two leases that we are locked into for at least the next 14 months. I plan to go to grad school in the fall. We don’t have the money or time for a baby. I was standing in the shower running through all the possible scenarios and getting increasingly freaked out. Ten minutes after we decided it was safe to go off the pill, I came running out of the shower shrieking about our dual leases, school, work and the worst for me: what if it comes out BLOND?!? (Recessive genes could make it possible. Jeff’s sister looks practically Nordic.) Jeff took one look at me in my towel, wet hair dripping, panicked look on my face and said: I think birth control is probably best. Close call for me, I’m clearly not ready for the risk, no matter how slim.
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You need to consider something....birth control has been in your system since before you can remember otherwise. How long has it been since you read the side -effects? Those do not just happen to other people. I used the pill for a few years 'early on', but after seeking help for depression, the first thing the doc did was take me off the pill. Whallah! Clouds cleared and I was happy. We used other forms of prevention. I went on various other types of pills over the next ten years, in between pregnancies, and was never able to tolerate it. (Headaches and extreme anger to the point of rage are stoppers for me!) Because I can isolate the variable on this one, I can confidently say that my body doesn't tolerate hormone alteration. And I know COUNTLESS women who found the same thing on Merana (sp?) and the five year shots, etc.
ReplyDeleteOh, it also can cause extra weight to hold on....
If one of you is willing, go get snipped. Then you can fully reclaim your body. You have no idea how good that might feel!
sorry, but I was thinking of you as I drove through NC today. I am not telling you that you should consider having a baby. But I am telling you that babies can be the nicest, life-fucking-up event that you can have. I've made some wonderful plans only to discover that a person genetically related to me has screwed it up. It's the coolest excuse in the world. You would be a great mother, if you ever chose to become that. Letting go and letting the possibility exist might be the craziest, mind-bending challenge you've ever taken, but relinquishing control to chance, God, Mother Nature or karma is an amazing ride.
ReplyDeleteThe people who follow me around and call me Mom are the reasons I'm crazy, and the reasons I'm so happy, and they are mini-me's that are far better than the original. My curiosity to see what they do/say next gets me up early everyday to make their breakfast.