Day 360: I Put on My Oxygen Mask First Because I Want us Both to Survive

Do we have a responsibility to feel what our partner is feeling? In a perfect relationship we might always be in sync, but real life is rarely perfect and relationships aren’t either. So how does one navigate the emotional ups and downs of our partner in a way that is considerate even if we’re not on the same page? For that matter, is it even necessary or should we be free to feel on our own schedule?

While the husband was in Iraq working 24/7 seven days a week I was soothing my emotional distress with good times, alcohol induced hazes, and lots of soul searching. Should I have been home every night sitting by the computer and phone hoping for a call or was it okay to still live my life? I hate that I got to have fun while he got shot at, but in life we sometimes have to follow paths that take us away from our partners.

So what exactly is our responsibility to one another? While we may be coupled up and stand as one in a union, we are still individuals with our own minds, opinions, and emotions. What one person needs to be happy and healthy may not be the same for the other. I think that is okay, but it seems to often cause conflict in many relationships. Each decision made by one person might have an affect on the other person, but do we not still have the right to follow a path that we want or need? I will not argue that some choices are too big and have the potential to adversely affect a relationship in a serious way, but this idea that every step we take must be in tandem is suffocating.

I was born a singular entity with my own name and identity and I will never be a Mrs. or need to take another’s name to redefine who I am. Married, single or in-between, I will forever just be me and the choices I make in my life will firstly be for my own sanity. I put my oxygen mask on first before helping those I care about. Why is looking out for number one, as the saying goes, such a bad thing? There are going to be times in every relationship when one partner is struggling with something and while we should certainly be compassionate we cannot always be in the same emotional place as our partner. I get to be me. So while your own circumstances may not be as dramatic as an Iraq deployment, the reality is the same. We cannot stop life’s bullets and sometimes you just need a cocktail.