Day 361: It's Okay to Need Someone

I caught a rerun of the movie “Bodyguard” the other night. Today, I’ve been singing that Dolly Parton theme song in my head all day long.

“If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you

Bitter-sweet memories
That's all I have, and all I'm taking with me
Good-bye, oh, please don't cry
'Cause we both know that I'm not
What you need
But I will always love you
I will always love you”

I quote the lyrics, because it’s not something I can paraphrase any clearer than the original. What does it mean to “need” someone? To me, that’s always been sort of a negative. I don’t want to need people, I want to want them and for them to want me. Of course, we need people in the abstract. We all need people that love us and those that we can love, but the idea that we need a specific person sounds frightening to me. Can you survive without that person you are in love with or is your very existence and ability to live a happy and fulfilled life dependent on a single person? Furthermore, if you say yes, is that healthy?

I am a person who before today would tell you that I don’t need the husband. I want to be with Jeff, but I don’t need him to live. I survived long before I met him and I would survive without him. Except here’s the thing, I don’t want to merely survive, I want to be happy and to thrive. Before Jeff, and if I had to have an after Jeff, I would be okay. I know how to be alone, how to manage being lonely and how to be somewhat unhappy. I know that I could go back to that life. There is a certain comfort in not having to be responsible to anyone else and in feeling free to express sadness or anger. Let’s face it, being alone and unhappy is the perfect excuse to feel sorry for oneself and to be cynical, two things I’m pretty damn good at.

I still don’t want to need Jeff, but it doesn’t mean I don’t. When you build a life with someone else, that life only works when both people are committed to it. In essence, you need each other. Sure, you can live without him or her, but the life you have will not be the same one you cherish now. What I have learned in this last year is that needing Jeff does not mean I can’t live without him, it means that this life I have worked so hard to put back together only works with him in it. I need his partnership, his support and his love and so I guess that means I need him. Everyone needs someone and the husband is that someone for me. Lesson learned.

Ah, but that’s not the point of the lyric, is it? In the end, it’s not about who we need, it’s about being the person that our partner needs. Short of changing who we are, the only thing any of us can do is to be the best us possible and hope it’s enough. As much as it sucks to need someone, it feels incredible to be needed back. If I’m lucky, I’ll be that person for Jeff for a very long time to come. I’ve loved a few people, but he is the only one I’ve ever needed and it only took me 361 days to figure it out . . . well, five years and 361 days.