It is a typical bit of irony that just when I am winding down my exploration of the self, the husband would begin one of his own. After all my talk of healing, dealing and feeling, I find that I am a little annoyed at the prospect of Jeff’s own journey of the self. Not that he’s not entitled to his own quest for fulfillment and inner peace, I just don’t want it to interfere with my life. Funny, that for all my talk of acceptance and sucking it up when it comes to my own flaws and quirks, I don’t seem to have the tolerance for granting the same to others.
Not that the husband is particularly flawed or messed up, he’s just unwinding from life now that he’s got a little time and space to be his own person. It’s interesting to note that once you live with someone you kind of stop with the self-indulgent act of “finding oneself” because you’re busy finding each other and who you are together. Jeff has been in school and the Army for eighteen years and most of that time he also had various romantic relationships to maintain. Since we are separated during the week and sometimes over the weekends as well, that part of ourselves that we hold back or temper a bit to compromise for relationship’s sake is starting to seep back in.
I, of course, had a full year on my own to experience all this, but Jeff was a bit busy with that whole war thing during that time. Now that he’s had time to adjust to life after deployment he’s beginning his own journey and as supportive as I want to be, I keep saying and doing the wrong thing. Why is it so difficult to be selfless no matter how much you want to be? I am supportive in theory and know that when all is said and done I will let him experience his own path just as I did, but those selfish motivations keep creeping back in. Why, for example, can’t he just be normal on the weekends and stick to “Jeff time” Monday through Friday?
Being in a partnership is tough and I knew that going in, but there’s a reason I keep finding myself partnered up with strong, somewhat stoic men . . . I am a needy, selfish woman! Jeff is strong and well-adjusted and not overly prone to introspection, and I like it that way. So it really sucks now that he wants to rebuild his own identity after a whirlwind existence of advanced education, relationships, and wartime deployments. Why can’t people be on our timelines instead of their own? Life would be so much easier, but also a lot more boring if we could control our loved ones.
Now that I have completed my set upon journey to find out who and why I am the person I am, it’s going to be difficult not to tell the husband how to proceed down his own path. We all need to take time to get to know our adult selves as separate from those relationships and responsibilities of our daily lives. This might be the hardest part of being a couple. No matter how much we try to exert our independence, it can sometimes be uncomfortable to witness our partner’s own need for the same. I think maybe that is the definition of a truly healthy adult relationship: the acceptance of our loved one’s need to be their own person, separate from their identity of wife or husband. I hope I live up to the challenge.
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