This is it. The final days of my year-long experiment of self-analysis. I’d like to say that after 362 days I have myself all figured out, but unfortunately that’s not really the case. After all this daily introspection I have come to the conclusion that I, like everyone else in the world, am complicated. I don’t know why I do half the things I do and I am no closer to being able to control my inherent moodiness today than I was on day one. Then again, can anyone? Aren’t we all just muddling through and hoping for the best?
I’d love to think that I am somehow better and that my willingness to put myself out into the world, revealing the flaws and conflicts within, has elevated me beyond mere mortal, but it hasn’t. I love that I can look back on this year and see where my head was at on any given day and sometimes even where I was physically. This has been a great experiment for me and I am proud that I stuck to it. There were days that owning up to something was difficult and I have taken some heat for my more controversial opinions, but it is worth it.
If nothing else, my journey in the blogosphere taught me to stay true to who I am, except when it hurts others more than it helps me. Of all the things I learned, this last is the most important, but also the most difficult to remember. As a natural narcissist, it’s easy for me to get wrapped up in my own issues and emotional dramas, and from time to time that means someone else takes a back seat or gets hurt. Despite all the things I am proud of by writing this blog and endeavoring to be truthful and unbiased in my self-reflection, I am struggling with a few losses that it precipitated. I lost a good friend indirectly and there have been a few conflicts with the husband over some content. I cannot say I completely regret anything I wrote, but I am sorry for any hurt I caused.
I’m not fixed and it’s likely that I will always be at least partly broken, but that just leaves more material for other blogs or possibly that book I’ve wanted to write. I’m no different than anyone else, I’m just willing to talk about the things that most people prefer to keep private or even to ignore. I’m looking forward to seeing what the next year brings. Life may never be perfect, but I do believe that I have made mine better by getting to know myself and most importantly, by calling myself on my own bullshit. I still practice occasional denial, but it’s harder to live there when you’re writing your truth on a daily basis.
I dare say-- I envy your ability to share-- I am the "people pleaser" and soooo... hate to fully disclose all I am and feel because "I just want to get along" with everyone. I am different and hold different views due to my beliefs. Soooo, you may agree or disagree but your blog has allowed me to see how different people with differetn views aren't all that different. We are just viewing things through different glasses.
ReplyDeleteI admire your ability to stay with this. I have to admit that when you first stated you were going to do this EVERY day -- I was like really!?!???! But you have done a great job.. I--- on the other hand, have done a crappy job of reading every day.
Thanks for your commitment and I hope to see you at the Tiki soon!!! You may get thrown in the koi pond--nevermind-- I wouln't want to stress the fish out-- LOL But seriously, I would love to be as open as you have been in your blog. Someday-- maybe.