Day 29: You Say Potato, I Say Fuck You

Perception is a funny thing. We all look at the world through our own subjective lens, but we do not always recognize that as the reality. What you see may factually be the truth, but the emotions it invokes in you might be different than those experienced by another. Today is my 29^th day of writing this blog and I am surprised at the reactions I have gotten from various people. True, what I write is very personal and for many people confiding intimacies to friends and family is unusual, take it to the level I am going and it is an entirely new frontier of openness. When I began this blog I was aware that I might be revealing more than my friends (dangling preposition alert) might be comfortable with. Reconciling my personal choices and direction in life on a public forum is a bit extreme, but I don’t write for you, I write for me.

I started this blog to get honest with myself and sometimes the only way to truly do that is to hold myself accountable in a public forum. I can rationalize and deny to myself, but once I put it out into the universe, or the blogosphere, there is no going back. Life is tricky and I’ve never been one to back away from that. Rather than play the game we all get so comfortable buying into, I choose to just . . . be . . . me. True, sometimes it does offend people, or at the very least make them uncomfortable, but I cannot take responsibility for the emotional response of others. I am who I am, and that’s kind of the point.

Through my writing I have both gained and lost fans. For some, it is too much and it makes them uncomfortable to know such intimate details about me, but for others, it helps to know there are other flawed people out there bumbling along. We are all quirky. My quirks may differ from yours, but their very existence is comforting in a “we’re all in this together” sort of way. I make no effort to hide the fact that I am a flawed woman. I have real issues, baggage, and neuroses to deal with. Even so, I think I’m kind of ahead of the game that at 36, I am learning not to make apologies for them. This is me. I am the woman the husband married, the daughter my Mother raised, the friend with whom my peeps choose to hang out. I cannot be any more than I am, and I am learning not to try. Yes, we can always strive to be better, but we cannot necessarily be different. Learning the difference between the two is the trick.

Our perceptions exist in everything we experience. A large part of how we learn is based on observing behavior and perceiving the intent behind it. We watch our Mothers and Fathers, siblings and playmates, teachers and co-workers, we watch so much in life and it is the seeing that helps us to determine what is acceptable behavior. Maybe I just had my eyes closed and missed some of those lessons about propriety? Then again, maybe I see it all more clearly, recognizing that it’s only proper or improper because WE say it is, not because it is inherently wrong. Last night I met a girl who was honestly one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen up close. So I told her so. Rather than being flattered or even saying thank you, she seemed to get mad. I think she thought I was hitting on her and suddenly she broke into her best Ann Coulter impersonation. Spouting a few questionable comments and making it clear that I no longer fit the category of suitable talking companions.

Her perception apparently, was that I am gay and trying to hook up, my perception is that she is an insecure, bigot who clearly only looks good on the outside to make up for the ugliness on the inside. As my husband says, “you say potato, I say fuck you.” So we don’t all see things the same way, it doesn’t make my way wrong or your way any better. You want to live out your life keeping your stuff to yourself, be my guest. I still have a few dirty little secrets of my own, but for the most part I think life is funny and tragic all at the same time and if we all walk around ignoring it, then it’s going to be one huge lie after another.

I joke about the perception of little things mostly, but there are plenty of bigger examples we can look at. To this day, many people perceive minorities as less than. The same holds true for women or lower income individuals. Obesity, physical unattractiveness, and getting older are all seen as flaws in our society. So let’s flip things around and get out of our society. In countries all over the world, whites are the minorities. In many cultures having heavier, more rounded and voluptuous bodies is considered desirable. Asian cultures, for one, respect their elders, holding them in high esteem, not as burdens or out of touch. Our perceptions are only ours because of what we learn as we grow up and what by what we are surrounded.

Personally, I would very much like to perceive a world in which mass genocide is not okay, where ignorance and willful stupidity are the main criteria for being “less than.” Emoting should not be seen as a weakness, in my opinion, strength of character is built not on what you are able to hold inside, but what you are able to express and experience. Hiding is easy, but to truly feel and to expose parts of yourself to the world takes strength and baby that’s one thing I’ve got in spades. I may not always make the best choices, I’ve hurt some wonderful people in my life, and I do have a penchant for running when I don’t want to face things, but in the end, I know I’m strong. I perceive the world as a place of great evils, ignorance, and suffering, but I also see the joy, the hope and the good in people. Maybe the difference is that I believe it can only help the world to put ourselves out there in it somehow. Writing this blog isn’t going to change the world, but it might help someone feel like it is okay to say the wrong thing, wear the wrong dress, or think out loud. I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but honestly, I’m okay with that.