Regrets. We all have them, we all do things that bring them on. Or so you may think. I do not believe in regrets. My motto in life, which will soon be my first tattoo, is: One Life, No Regrets. Do I, or have I done things that caused consequences that I did not like? Sure. I have made mistakes in my life and I continue to keep making them, but I think regret, much like jealousy and envy, is a useless emotion and I refuse to fall victim to its destructive influence.
I find that people are continually doubtful of my no regrets stance. It’s not that they don’t think I believe it, but more that they think it is impossible that I could possibly not have any. Trust me when I tell you that I’ve had this conversation many times over and this is one of those things that for me has not changed in many, many years. I don’t think it makes me a monster, I think it makes me have to accept accountability and to be more self-aware even when I hurt people I love.
So let me first define what I’m talking about. I think it actually all started with a Star Trek movie years ago. It was Capt. James T. Kirk that said he wasn’t going to second guess the choices he’d made in life or to wish he’d gone left when he’d turned right. Besides my natural propensity for all things Star Trek (yes, take a moment to laugh at being a Trekkie, thank you), this sentiment resonated with me in a deep and lasting way. I could argue that all things Shatner resonate, but I’ll save that for another blog. The main idea here is a pretty basic one, whereas hindsight is 20/20, you can’t unring a bell and I’m not about to cause myself anxiety trying.
Besides the what’s done is done outlook is the basic fact that I am trying to like myself and I’m not going to look back on my decisions and think about how differently things could have been if only. There will always be an “if only” and it’s hard enough to live with life as it is without falling victim to wishing for things that cannot be. This is who I am. This girl, this woman, this wife, daughter, friend, stranger, bumbling idiot – this is the person I am and I’m just trying to live the best, most fulfilled life I can. I don’t want to hurt people, but sometimes I do. I’d love to always make the smart choice, but sometimes I either don’t know what that is or I cannot resist the instantly gratifying stupid one.
True, I have done some things in my life and said some things that were not kind. If I could take that pain I caused away from the people I hurt, I would do so in a heartbeat, but I stop short at saying I would retrace my steps and make a different choice. I am who I am because of the all choices, even the hurtful or self-destructive ones. There is no doubt we all have the ability to be incredibly cruel and unbelievably giving. I embrace them both and know that with each turn, be it the right or wrong way, it’s my way and that is the only way I know how to go.
That’s not to say that the next time I decide to drink two-thirds of a bottle of a deliciously vicious liquor called American Honey I won’t be hanging my head and saying I was stupid to drink so much or that I’ll never do it again. Sure I will. The next time I hurt my husband or a friend I will wish I hadn’t. Just as every time I fail to stop at one slice of pizza and blow through four I will chastise myself as a glutton and fear the scale. These things are part of life, but acknowledging mistakes made is not the same thing as wishing to undo them.
I try to learn from my mistakes and sometimes the lesson sticks the first time out and sometimes I need to bash my head against the same wall a few times to get the message. Either way, the struggle is worth it, the untraveled road isn’t better it’s just unseen. I want to live, I want to experience and break things and put them back together again and buy ones. I’m sorry for the pain I might cause, but I will never be sorry for taking a chance or making a choice. It’s those choices, both good and bad that make me who I am. And quite honestly, love or hate me, I think I’m pretty fucking awesome just for making the trip.
Unfaithful, the movie, is one I can watch over and over. Diane Lane is married to Richard Gere and has an affair with Paul somebody. In the movie, right before she sleeps with the lover, Paul says to her, "In life, there are no mistakes. There is what you do, and what you do not do." I'll bet that line goes through my head every day.
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